• Philipe Nicolini, Asinine Press. •
Asinine Press Releases during the entire month
MEMORY FOR MAY
Notice how in September there were two towers that stretched up the sky in what Nova called "a tribute to simplicity." Perhaps the therrorist [foot/1] required a concrete reminder of the plan, focused as they were on two duolithic [foot/2] representations of the number eleven. Forgetful bastards.
In Mind Mapping, Tony Buzzon offers a simple way to remember a list of things in any order [foot/3]. Visualize the digits 1,2,3... Make the picture stand out in your head of each number. For the number one, consider a penis. My mental one/penis is bloody (I need the extra details as I am desensitized). Two might be a swan pecking at Hans Christian Anderson. Don't worry that geese are more vicious birds. The purpose of this exercise is to imprint your mind's super putty a numerical idol that will not soon lose your attention.
Continue this process till number ten. Now find a list of things to do or perhaps items to buy. Please notice the list below.
1.) Get rid of bad breathe for meeting.
[Picture a penis shooting Listerine out of the urethra with brushy balls prepped for toothpaste. If needed, you may cognitively place the penis in your mouth as sign that it is your breath that needs help and not some sexual deviance.]
2.) Take the kids to the sitter.
[Picture the menstruating swan (a sign of being childless) with a Mrs. Doubtfire transvestite in the swan’s mouth. If you don't trust Comedian transvestites with your children, try a visual of your children in a small pen with the swan pecking their limbs from the outside]
3.) Dentist at 1pm
[I use natural, non-siliconated breast as representation for the number 3. In this fashion I employ Laura Dern from movie Novocain with a huge muscular Moore hand from the sky continuing to stamp her forehead "1 pm" all day. The stamps are sent to a burning fire and then back to her forehead, over and over. If you have not seen the movie (Novocain) but also like the breast for three, consider tattooing the time to the left breast if you’re a democrat or the right for conservatives. Be sure to put a tooth-extracting instrument hanging from a nipple. It's all about memory.]
Here are a few more with less explanation.
4.) Buy Groceries for dinner
[Figure four of female legs. The vaginal canal produces all the things needed. You may write the grocery stores name in the pubic mesh.]
5.) Stop at school and pay for parking.
[Five is a representation of a pregnant person. Perhaps you see Arnold Swartzenbigger with a plump belly. Have a clerk trading a pass for money as he puts his ear to Arnold's abdomen. The belly is transparent with a shiny Studebaker parked inside]
Here are some that prefer drug visuals.
6.) Pick up drugs from the dealer.
[Your thinking that addicts don't need reminder. However, Costco styled "bulk buying" can be useful if the user plans ahead. SIX represents a bong that barely fits the mouth. Make the bong dollar green as you spew chunks of cash into the bong. The hand of the dealer retrieves these chunks, counts them without plastic gloves and then packs your favorite substance in the bowl.]
7.) Call your lawyer (or public offender) about breaking parole and seeing Hawaii.
[SEVEN is a Nordic nose. Perhaps you have a large Italian nose and now you must visualize putting that nose in the lawyer's ass as a vice. Turn his hand crank to tighten the cheeks. Do not pay attention to the cheek tattoo: "I love mom". While resizing the cartilage and skin flaps in his butt vice, imagine smelling the Hawaiian beach. Imagine a Pacific Undertow sweeping your lawyer and all his flunkies out to sea via a strong undertow. Focus.... ]
For those that prefer violence:
8.) Take your Pit bull for a walk.
[EIGHT can be an anus/vagina view; can be a mental eight ball for drugs. Now we employ it as a kung-fu raccoon’s eyes. Imagine your fighting raccoon with the Pit bull using a gentle leader at the beach. Though many pedestrians will invite your to dog fights in Venice, your kung-fu raccoon prefers the gentle life. The winds that wisp through his hair, the fish smells, the bikinis and thongs. The raccoon eyes take all of these sites in. The pit bull mounts a palm tree to show dominance and you are a good citizen.]
9.) You keep forgetting to talk to your husband about his snoring.
[NINE can be a Lolita lollipop or a the inverted testicles of a prisoner the drug user meets. Here it is a beanie club that you holster in a garter belt. You imagine going home. Forgoing dinner cooking. He won’t sit down to chat? Use the billy club on the back of his knees. He sits on the sofa demure. You see his nose flaring like two large mucus balloons. The talk starts. His eyes drift away. You smack his nostrils with a right swing, then a left. He hacks out phlegm but it sticks to his trachea before clear. You smash his throat till he blows clear in Moby Dick fashion. You look at your beaten, snot-dripping domestic partner, and then thank him for having this small chat. ]
10.) The neighbor’s cat is drunk again and will be singing all night. Had you had this memory yesterday you could have taken action before now.
[TEN is one is male female genitals side by side. Ten is a Bic lighter wheel to smoke up. TEN is also a net and club. You take the net to the domestic shorthair cat and use the club until he stops singing. You now visualize the TEN as a starchy vertical cat being run over by a circular wheel of your oversized pickup truck. The “zero” smashes the “one” down. Say it again to yourself. "The one is smashed down by the zero". As a good citizen you visualized 9:15 as the tread size of your truck tire. This is the time you call animal control and tell them that there is road kill disparaging your property value that affords less taxes, that cuts into city and counting funding. Won’t they please come soon?]
If you have created a list that works for your own visual process, whether it be sexual, macabre, drug induced, or in someway describing your deeper inhibitions.. You should not be able to remember the 10 items above in any order.
8, raccoon with the dog, two.. Children and swans, four is vagina grocery shopping, seven is nose in the lawyer (for hiatus request).. One is penis brushing for breathe... etc etc.
Works for me. Should this lesson fail you, be sure to tie a small amount of yarn to the most sensitive protrusion of your body. As most married people become numb to their ring finger, so it is that importance and pain should be attributed to earlobes, navel rings, tourniquets for penis-- anything to get your attention back. Psychologists call this act "sensory gating". With an explosive visualization, any sensory gate can be truly minimized.
REMEMBER Asinine Press Releases for the entire month.
~~ Footnotes ~~~~
1. Therrorist. A terrorist in therapy.
2. Duolithic. Two monoliths. See also: fecalith (a monolith made of feces)
3. REMEMBERING NAMES: Joe Girrard writes that you should spell out people’s names in your head. If this fails, I ask old acquaintances how to spell their name when occasion arrives. You can explain that simple names like "mike" "Dick" etc have several spellings these days. Even though the person was not important enough to remember their name-- you are armed with tools to invigorate the mundane.
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Philipe Nicolini. Enjoys writing about his rural upbringing in California's San Joaquin Valley. Once sold into educational slavery in Tokyo, now rinsing his days in Seattle; Nco works by night. In the night there is calm.
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