time

cigarettes, one after another
nightmares, one after another
insomnia, between oversleeping
work, at the grocery
music, music, music
television, in the background
voices, in the background
alone
dull lights, food
chicken
exercise, exercise
coffee, coffee
alone, nobody knows me
and im all alone
sitting here in a dimly lit basement
cluttered with
garbage, dishes, books
tapping out poetry
on a keyboard
between reading
proust, van gogh, ellison
boredom, solitude, loveless
sad and dreary face
dripping off my skull
for want of lips to kiss
and tongues of familiar ghosts
to lap at my eardrums
booze, booze, booze,
depressed and over sensitive
the only human in a world of ghosts
my soul grows stronger
able to tolerate these painful bouts
of solitude with less and less grief
each time
save the brooding pain
of leading a wasted life in solitude
clinging and clanking away
with my devices
drunk, in a dimly lit basement
overcast
with serenity and gloom
the silence saturates my eyes
that glow like lanterns
seeking out other eyes
in the still and empty suburban night
clad in black
hopeless walks
from here to there
and back again
looking for something
i cannot seem to find
anywhere
between loud and brazen movies
colors flashing scars on my eyes
deathly and soured
serene and catatonic
i wait a few days
then pursue
wait a few more
then pursue
hoping to find
the answer to all this wasted time
6:04 am april 22, 2002
 

last

written for nobody
i rise out of my skin
to capture one last dream
in a bottle

my mind and imagination
inundated with circuitry glare
radio wave static
bad trivial poetry torrent
my skin afire with drink
and thirst
no more alcohal
my eyes glazed over
in fear and stifled
by bland surrounding
my stomach in knots
my tongue spit dry
unloved and alone
i shiver in the vacant night
and close my eyes
to feel the wind cool breath
ruffle my hair
seep through the pores
in my torn clothes
cold rain droplets
streak down pinched face
absorbed into swollen
quivering lips
to wash away my thirst
and the highways roar
and the poets
self muddling arguements
from my ears

 

hydroxycut

i had spent the first five years of my life in the poverty of a tiny shack about a mile away from any other homes, it swayed and leaned in fierce tides of wind that blew in around 8 months of the year. my parents were proud, and i was overly modest and shy, rarely speaking, having no friends, and being kicked out of boyscouts after i was caught naked with another boy in the woods, receiving his cock in between my cheeks, i boy i havent seen since, i wandered that back woods, in my rugged clothes, and leaning on a painted walking stick. beating from my father were regular, so i often camped outside. one particular day, as i sat under a small shelter i constructed out of cool deep verdant leaves and branches, puffing on my corn cob pipe and smiling up at the sky, i heard noises. i set my pipe aside and crept closer, to an opening in the woods, where i saw a woman wearing torn clothes, stumbling away from a man who was striking her with a crowbar. she called out, but with each strike, she grew less resistant, the man yelling at her , to shut the fuck up, and lay down, which she eventually did. he pulled out a shining packing knife from his pocket and sliced open her dress, what was left of it, and her underwear, his hand covering her eyes as to conceal her identity. he parted his fingers a bit, and sliced out the womans eyes with the blade, pulled a large red erection from his trousers, and thrust it in between her legs. she cried out again, he answered her, shut the fuck up, and struck her across the skull with the crowbar, as his hips moved in and out of her crooked parted legs. his mouth moved to her breast, which he bit into, gnawing it partially off, as she screamed and writhed, he fist striking him in the head, he struck her again with the crowbar, still fucking her, yelling shut the fuck up, over and over, a crowbar strike with each enunciation. she became still, he continued with the fucking, and striking of her head with the crowbar. i could still hear her whimpering, her head half submerged in mud, and when he withdrew his cock, he began to thrust the crowbar in between her legs, she screamed a final time, a muffled inhuman noise, and his back arched, driving the curvature of the crowbar onto her head. he stood up, and wandered away, the crowbar in his hand, dragging the whimpering body with him by the leg. i crept after them, tiptoeing in bare feet, upon the cool grass dew. he wrapped her in a few garbage bags, and dumped her at the foot of a tree, hulking away down the wheel beaten road. i waited a moment, then approached the mess, which moved slightly and occasionally, a whimper now and again. i unraveled her body bags, to see her skull nearly mashed away, her right breast chewed off, her vagina and ass completely dessimated by the crowbar.
"hralep eamtg
she muttered through a small hole,what was left of her mouth, smeared across her face, teeth jutting out of various points of her skull detritus, nose, eyes, gone, one ear hanging off, the other she grasped tightly in her hand, which quivered. i poked her with a stick, and she cried out, a muffled call. i reached down between her legs, and plucked out a handful of crimson saturated flesh, which i squeezed in my fist. pasty blood drooled from it into the mud, i sniffed it, licked it (a brief image of myself masturbating with the handful of meat bile), tossed it aside. i noticed a tiny ball forced into the side of her leg, which i dislodged with my walking stick, and picked up. the tiny agonized head of an unborn child. i looked at the pinched face for what seemed like an eternity, mounted it on my walking stick, went to retrieve my pipe.

at home that night, we dined on roast deer, rainwater, and potatoes.

i became ill.apart from pounding headaches, my hearing grew duller, and duller, untill it was gone. my father boxed my ears, when i didnt listen to him, because i was now deaf, and my ears became lodged and wedged in the side of my skull, protruding now longer, just question mark shaped holes. my posture grew worse and worse, the shape of my arms and legs gradually twisting, with each blow upon them, and when my little cock came off in my hand while i was pissing, i ran into the house and gave it to my mother. i had never been to the hospital before, but thats where i was taken, to where a tall and stocky man in white perused me with an anguished face, collecting samples of pus from my skin, my genitals in a jar, and i was attatched to a machine which sucked my feces and urine out of my body, and kept it in a tank. sometimes, there was blood in it, othertimes, a pale sallow fluid which the doctor eyed, concerned.
one day, my vision was oblitherated, as if a strange chemical had dripped over my eyes, destroying them. i was in a constant state of agony, as all i could perceive was a bright white light shooting into my eyes and brain from around blurry objects i could no longer recognize, in the color of dull grey. the light was so potent, and my eyes so sensitive, i felt as if i were standing inches from the sun, peering into its mass, or staring at the beams jutting from god with human eyes. when closed into a dark room, with a single candle lit, and a shade over the light, i could detect some of reality, barely perceptible, i saw my eyes in the mirror, grown three times their normal size, and in the shape of crescents, the lits clotted with brown crust, the whites turned black, no color or pupil, but a white circle in the center.the next day, i found myself shivering and soaked in some thick fluid, as the doctor stood over me with a needle.he stuck it into my arm, and my skin snapped like paper, the needle protruded through my arm poking through the other side, my arm bent, and hung there, simple falling of f my body, like a rope of pudding to where it splashed onto the floor. shocked, i stood up, and my legs faltered. the doctor gestured wildly for me to stay seated, i could not regain my balance, i faltered, and colapsed to the linoleum floor, where i splashed across the floor and walls, like a dropped bucket of beef stew.

 

virgin chant

she bagn fits of puking early in the morning
shocked that she may be pregnant
still a virgin herself
and her parents accused her
of being fucked by her boyfriend
accused her of sheer sluttery
the whore
got pregnant at age 16

a test at the clinic
shows that shes a pregnant virgin
impossible because this is biblical
her daddy doesnt believe it
and pays for an abortion
her long haired and wistful effeminate
boyfriend pitching in on the cost

she begs to keep the child
but her own childishness
keeps her obediant to the wishes
of her parents and her wistful effeminate boyfriend
who doesnt want to take care of the kid
a virgin birth
hasnt happened
since moses parted the red seas

she lays in the clinic room
a vaccuum inserted into her cunt
tiny hooks and fingers protruding
from the device
slurping the kid out of her oriface
chunk by chunk
each chunk glowing like toxic waste
casting ghastly shadows on two way mirrors
behind which old man jack each other off
abortion gets them off

when the procedure is through
the walls pulsate and bleed
the doctor clutches his throat
coughing up grasshoppers and bees
falling to the soft white linoleum
bleeding from his asshole
from which a skinless snake crawls
wrapping itself around the doctors
wily neck

the jar full of the aborted fetuses
body parts cracks and breaks
explodes in the mothers face
blinded she shrieks spread eagle
colapses blood pouring
from all orifaces

abortion of immaculate conception
wet chunks of baby fetuses sizzle on the grill
and little daddies girls
still cry on their boyfriends arms
wanting at any cost
even butchery of an unborn child
to have their fake little white wedding
and their little husband
to show off for their whiny
closed minded bitch relatives
that will hopefully die horrible deaths
just like your abused and battered children

i wish i had been aborted
and your virgin dreams are genocide

 

boybox

tired,exhausted,restless,starving,satiated,thirsty, drunken, shrieking, silent, terrified, agonizingly lonely, my mind full of voices and sounds, my eyes full of hallucinations and blood,intoxicated with hatred and love, bleeding and beaten into fury, ignored, hated, poor, forgotten, and unloved, i crawl from the recesses of your elitist and hypocritical society, your foul and cruel concrete cage teeming with wretched vermin crawling to their graves, i crawl from the dungeons of your toilet deafened by the roars of television and radios, stained with bad art and fame garbage, i crawl from the filth, unwanted and hateful, to bring you another stinking carrion, another junkheap of mutilated hatred, to you, and all the bilge and rot that ive been forcefed, all the suffering and rejection ive endured, a pitiful and blood saturated volume of hatred from just another one of societies wasted and suffering pointless wretched and simple deprived and policed lies.

ass was born in toledo.he grew up in a chrome, lower middle class home sleeping on a crooked bed made of bars and boards, causing his back to grow crooked, his awful posture causing his head to appear if it were sprouting neckless out of his shoulders and sideways, his eyes rolling forever back in his head, seething with fear and hatred towards anyone that might notice him.ass was dropped off the roof of a moving vehicle when he was a child, forgotten atop. at age two he was locked in the trunk of a immobile car propped up on cinderblocks in his parents driveway for three days before he was let out as punishment for pissing in his pants.ate age three his mother sat him down at the kitchen table and handed him a glass of liquid, being unusually benevolent to her son. he drank happily, but afterwards vomited all over the table, and had violent heaves of coughing blood the entire night, so was locked in the basement, punishment for stealing one of his fathers pornography magazines, full of gay teenage boys strapped to crucifix shaped bondage devices and tormented by large black men. one of the pictures portrayed a young boy with wistful blond hair, his asshole propped open about four inches with with a circular wooden vice of some sort, steal electric clamps attatched to pink mounds visible deep in the asshole, possible intestines, the boys face a listless mask of agony.at age four, ass stepped on a bear trap his father had placed in their backyard to ward off intruders. ass passed out, and was taken to emergancy where his big toe, and another toe were amputated due to the rusty state of the bear trap, and he was given shots for tetanus. a grostesque limp made his youthful appearance even more pitiable, and his sisters and mother would often vomit at the sight of him, or fling objects at him when he entered the room. he began to stay in the basement, where his parents would leave plates of food at the top of the stairs. at age five he brought home a stray dog, and kept it in a cage for the entire year that he had it, prodding it violently with broomsticks to release his anger, feeding it piles of food full of glass and spliters, and masturbating with its bloody excrement. at times he toyed with the notion of killing the animal with a kitchen knife, but enjoyed torturing the creature and instead decided to set raccoon traps in the woods. when he caught one of these creatures, he would drive sharpened eight inch pikes through their torsos, and hang them from the playground equipment at the local grade school. he grew more creative in his murder of the small animals, hammering nails into the creatures ears, slicing off the hind legs and releasing the animal on the expressway, or wrapping the creatures genitals in tight rubber bands or dental floss, and keeping it alive untill the cock and balls turned white and rotted off, afterwhich he would stuff the castrated animal into the cage with his dog, who would ravenously tear the little beasts to shreds after a few mutilations by the mad raccoon. his mother once walking in on him assfucking his sisters cat in the bathroom, chained him in the backyard after giving him an enema with scalding hot vegetable soup. he lay there for three days, shitting out the soup with his blistered colon, untill he was released, and at age six, after swallowing his tongue and being taken to emergancy, had a cigarette put out on his lips after he asked his mother for a kiss and closed his eyes, started grade school with a throng of kids who teased and beat him violently every chance they got, the teacher also joining in on the wretch, who would limp silently around, not speaking or looking at anyone. each night was spent falling asleep to the television in the basement, which didnt get any stations clearly, he had no friends, save the one or two girls who would sometimes speak to him out of pity.

one day, a new student arrives, thin as a rail, sallow blond locks of yellow hair traversing coiled shoulderblades and prominent neckbones, the delicate animal wore flower pattern cloth dresses, and pointy black shoes that inspired in ass emotions he wasnt used to feeling. the teacher introduced her as hamburger, and that she had a speech prepared for the class.
"hi boys and girls, my name is hamburger and i just moved here from san francisco. i was put in a foster home here, because my grandparents live here, and the state thinks it will be more healthy for me. do any of you know what a transvestite is?
someone chimes in
"a boy who dresses like a girl or a girl who dresses like a boy
"thats right. im a transvestite, ive been dressing like a girl all my life but im really a boy. my older sister would dress me up like this, and stick wooden spoons and vegetables in my asshole when i was two or three. sometimes she would make me drink robitussin, then she would beat me in between the legs very hard. sometimes her friends would come over to spend the night and they would dress me up like a little girl and tie my up on the bed. they put strap on dildoes on and fucked me in the ass while i was crying, then put out cigarettes on my cock and balls. once my sisters boyfriend assfucked me while she watched, and they greased me up and wrapped me in plastic wrap and my asshole bled and i fainted. my sister killed herself a year ago, she was a schizophrenic. i kept on dressing up like a girl and crying all the time and my parents didnt want me, so my dad beat me up and beat up my boyfriend. my last teacher found out and i was put in a foster home, here. my foster parents say its ok that i dress like this as long as i get good grades, dont do drugs, and dont walk the streets.
"ok class, lets give her a round of applause
the class clapped, and hamburger took a seat next to ass, flinging back her hair. ass glared at him hungrilly. on the playground they played together, sat on the swings and talked. becomin g friends, hamburger got ass to smile once or twice, and he asked him why his body was mishapen, and he had to walk with a cane at such a young age.
"i step in beartrap and they cut off my toes
"thats horrible, you poor thing
hamburger hugged ass. eventually, hamburger agreed to go over to asses house to play. ass snuck him in around his parents, fearful that they would chase her away, as they hated the fact that ass would have any sort of companion that might not treat him with impugnity.
"did they really do those things to you
"yeah
"my parents do mean things to me too, they beat me and they starve me, and my dad cut off my dogs leg
"why did he do that
"i drew on the sink with a marker
"poor thing, why do you keep that dog in the cage? he looks sick, almost dead "the dog is mean it bites people
hamburger looked frightfully at the dog, afraid.
"i dont ever want that dog to attack me, my old boyfriends girlfriend sicked her dog on me and it bit me and wouldnt let go, it yanked and tossed me around and i needed stitches
"why did she do that
"she saw my old boyfriend sticking his cock in my asshole in the bushes
"oh
the two of them became inseperable, even once hamburger kissing ass on the cheek. hamburger came over to asses house on a regular basis to play and talk with him, untill asses mother caught the two of them in the basement, tore out some of hamburgers hair and struck her untill she fell down. she made ass beat her some more, as he sobbed and struck her untill she bled. mother drove the wretched child down the block and dumped her into a pile of garbage, taking ass hole and scrubbing the callouses violently off his feet with a wirebrush, as he grimmaced and screamed, made him eat a bowl of cigarette butts, tossed him down the stairs, passing out at the foot of them. the next day, bandaged up, hamburger refused to talk to him. ass followed her everywhere screaming and crying for her, she refused to acknowledge him, acting as if he didnt exist. ass followed h er home, and she locked herself inside. asses pursual of her went on for a week or so, untill the teacher took notice, and told ass to leave her alone, or his parents would be informed of what was going on.
ass grew sick and angry that night, and lay in the basement crying and dropping droplets of boiling water on his caged dog whose screams began to sound vaguely human. growing more and more lost in depression and pain, ass drags the dogs cage into the backyard, where sits his treehouse, lugs the cage in there, leaving it, closing the door, walking back to his house despite the animals whimpers. he lays in the basement, beating his head against the furnace, which scorches and peals the skin from his head. he misses school the next day, hiding in a garbage can on hamburgers walk to school. hamburger misses school too, ass attacks her with a brick, knocking her outcold in the suburban street and dragging her by her hair back to his house, to the treehouse where he dumps her body, locking the treehouse door. he reaches through a window with a rake and undoes the latch on the dogs cage, the scarred and ravenous creature limps out of the wire cage and sniffs at hamburgers body. hamburger eventually comes to, and begins crying as she sees the animal, which draws back at her screams and whimpers. hamburger pisses her panties, and backs into the corner, shrieking for help, untill the animal grows infuriated, and attacks her, mauling her leg and jerking her back and forth, untill her screams become laboured and her face becomes a mask of pain. limp, the dog lets go. hamburger stands again, this time the dog mauls her skull, dragging and flinging her bleeding body around. terrified of what he had done, as if it had been a dream and not entirely possible, ass reaches into the treehouse with the rake and bludgeons the animal untill it cowers in the corner. he unlatches the door, finishing off the animal by beating it with a rake and stomping on its head. dragging hamburger into the woods by her hair, he wrapped her in ba rbed wire, raveling up her legs and body, torso and arms, gagging it around her face and eyes, around her neck in an enourmous knot, dumping the frail body in a pile of garbage, leaving as she emerges back into consciousness, sputtering wheezing sounds, help me, i love you, she cries, and ass leaves her, tangled and bound tightly in barbed wire, buried beneath a mountain of fast food wrappers and burnt out light bulbs. making his way home, he sleeps on his wooden and chrome cot in the basement.

ass awakes sometime during the night to his mothers balding head hovering over him, he feels pressure in between his asscheeks, and sobs to himself, curling into a ball, pretending to be asleep, his mothers insults ringing in his ear of her hatred and his complete and utter uselessness. passes out, wakes up the next morning to find blood clotted and dripping from his asshole. he limps to the bathroom and shits, with a searing pain, the shit sticks in his ass, piles in the john in bloody heaps. he screams and limps upstairs, crying
"my bottom is bleeding!
shit and blood drools down his legs
"stop crying you little shit his mother strikes him across the face with a rolling pin knocking him against the wall, where he passes out, and wakes up on his stomach in a hospital bed to a sound of beeping. he feels an agonizing pain in his backside where three masked surgeons hover over him, and begins to scream. he jerks and feels a searing pain, as a scalpel digs into his asscheek.
"ANASTHETIC!
a shot in his arm, he passes out again, and wakes up this time post surgery, in the recovery room. a mask doctor talks to him.
"we removed a razorblade from your asshole, someone had shoved it in there, inserted it very deep. do you have any idea who could have done this?

ass is put in foster care. he breaks down crying for no reason, lives in a tiny attic and sleeps under his bed, terrified. one day at school, having to go to the bathroom, the teacher forces him to go with a buddy
"I WANT TO GO FUCKING ALONE
"settle down ass, or its strait to the principal
"I HATE YOU AND I HATE ALL OF YOU
the class laughs, and ass storms down the hall with a young boy holding a hall pass and dressed in a flourescent orange vest to signify him as a hall monitor. hall monitor bears a proud face and follows him to the bathroom.
"go ahead ass
"leave me alone
ass walks into the bathroom, drops his trousers and sits on the toilet. his ass which has healed loosens, and shit dribbles out into the bowl. he is wiping when the hall monitor bursts through the stall door, laughing at his exposed genitals. hall monitor flings a wet paper towel at ass, laughing continuously, a girl behind him her jaw dropped open at him exposed. with his pants at his ankles, ass lunges at the hall monitor, grabbing his head and beating it against the toilet seat knocking out two of his teeth. he grabs his own shit out of the toilet and smears and shoves it into hall monitors face. he wipes his ass on hall monitors face, the girl runs from the bathroom crying, ass breaks the toilet seat from the can and puts it around hall monitors neck, yanks the lid off the back of the toilet, and breaks it over the kids skull which caves in slightly, grimmacing the kid falls over, ass taking a shard from the broken cover ramming it into his face, shoving it deep into his skull untill it remains fixated where his nose once was. ass takes another shard jamming it into the kids mouth, another and another, into both of the kids eyes, a teacher walks in, and seeing the mess, screams and rushes from the bathroom. minutes later, the principal enters, dragging ass off the hall monitor and into the halls of the school, the children watch, asses body greased with blood, his pants at his ankles, he laughs and screams at all the children, and ass is put into a state institution for the underaged criminally insane.
after a brief court hearing, elucidating the childs subhuman upbringing.

two years later, ass is released into the custody of his grandmother, a drunken woman who lives in a trailer with her lobotomized teenaged lesbian lover. grandmother makes food for the two of them, dumpy her girlfriend in a constant leer through her rotten teeth, white encrustations all over the corners of her mouth, a giant hideous scar covering her shaved head that the grandmother sometimes licks with a blistered tongue through white missing blank eyes. ass sees a therapist each week, and takes medication, afraid of the therapist being an authority figure, ass lies to her, telling her what she wants to hear, and remains living in the trailor. after a few months of freedom and home schooling which entails his grandmother reading to him the tv guide while he sits jittery and nearly catatonic from taking too much of his medication and subsisting on a diet of eggshells, motor oil, whiskey, and catnip. one night ass awakes from a bad dream and finds a stray cat standing on their bed, he grabs it and twists its torso, and with a shriek it dies, he takes and buries it under the trailor where he sleeps, after urinating on his own asshole. the next day he flees terrified into the backwoods behind the house, running for three days in one direction and passing out next to a river. forrest rangers find him and he is returned to custody in the state mental institution for another three months before being released to another foster home, this time where he resides with two younger brothers. it is a religeous household, he is forced into catholism and is taunted by his two brothers who play soccer, ass cant walk without a cane, they mock and pick on him due to his infirmity, one day taking his cane and breaking it over his head, and forcing him to play a game of soccer, him vs. the two of them. he tries his hardest, but they trip him, kick him in the ass, bounce the soccer ball off his head, leave him face down in the mud and tell him theyll kill him if he tells their parents what happened.

one night, ass wakes up from a bad dream of his mother, limps to the garage and gets a small hatchet, bludgeoning his older brother in his sleep, and dragging him into the backyard where he pulls off the kids pants and underwear, and rapes him while hes outcold while strangling him with the hatchet handle and weeping. he chops the kids loins into hanging jibblets of crimson meat with the hatchet, and the kid wakes up, his hands clawing into the mess in between his legs. he punches ass in the neck, and runs a few steps before passing out again, while ass digs a head shaped hole in the yard and buries the boys head in it, shoving the handle of the hatchet up to the root in the kids asshole, the head of the ax protruding and resting point on the arch of the asscrack. out of his head, ass runs back to his mothers house, along the side of the road, barefoot, limping on his cane, exhausted, crying, banging on the door with the cane, and a complete stranger answers, smiling vaguely at the child through the screen door, before closing it in his face.

homeless for half a year on the streets, ass lives off garbage and booze he is occasionally able to get. covered in warts, the child wrapped in rags, is indecipherable from the piles of garbage that line the streets, and one day, a car pulls up beside him, a woman driving. ass recognizes her at once as his mother, his eyes glow and he enters the car.
"youve been a very bad boy
she says her balding head flapping in the wind open window station wagon.
"yes ma'am
"killing all those people
"im sorry ma'am
mother pulls into a vacant lot and glares at him with empty eyes, the bends over him, undoing his fly, taking his erection into her mouth.
"a very very bad boy
his mother says to him in between slurps. ass gasps and writhes, his hands clawing grease stains slapping on her balled spot. ass comes in her mouth, and she looks at him and pats his head. she loops a noose around his neck, and pulls the car into drive.
"i dont wanna die mommy, please dont kill me
"i wont kill you ass, remember all those bad dreams youve had about mommy? this is just another one, and soon, youll wake up and be just fine
ass sobs in the passenger seat, knodding. she pulls up next to a few trees scattered on the curb, gets out of the car, opening the passenger door, flinging ass over her shoulder and carrying standing him on top of the car, tying the noose to a branch, then getting back into the car, and stomping on the gas pedal. ass slips off the car, and hangs writhing in the noose two feet above the ground.

he wakes up in the arms of an angel, that carries him wistfully through a snowy glade, smiling down at him with a mirror face, smiling back at himself, grass tickling the sides of his head, whiskey pouring into his eye sockets.

---