From the Orifice of the Playpen
Good evening Kids and Welcome to the Playpen.
Cait asked me if I would like to write a column for the hold as an insight as to what I’ve been up too since I decided to leave everything behind, up-stick and move almost 5000 miles to a different country. I thought it was a great idea but didn’t think I would be able to manage sitting down to write something like this on my own, so I roped in Paul, my husband of two years to help me write this and give a different slant on our life over here. You know about me from my pages from the 53rd issue a few months back.
These are the various tales and exploits from our journey and our lives in England. The first article is all about what’s happened in the 8 weeks we have been here so far. In future issues find out about the stupid stuff that inflicts our lives in a strange new world.
It seems like such a long time ago since we said goodbye to America or Cincinnati, Ohio to be exact. Yet it seems like even longer till we can get back… yes folks the great adventure that we set out on already has an end almost in sight. The idea if you don’t know was for us to immigrate to the UK and to start a new and interesting adventure-filled life. But as with all great plans it never quite works out the way you expect it. But we are going to make the most of the time we do have here.
The reasons we want to return to the states are few:
The Family. With two daughters and six grand
monsters it was and is hard to leave them behind when they are growing up. Paul recalls the first time one of the baby girls walked to him arms open wide shouting papaw and not falling over. He doesn’t want to miss the rest of the good stuff.
The Lifestyle. Who would want to be without 24-hour Ice Cream parlours or 24-hour Pharmacies? Well we thought we could do without them but when you get the urge for pecan ice cream filled condoms at 4 am there just isn’t anywhere to get them in this country. Not to mention Baseball… I won’t even start on the state of sport in this country… we want to be able to sit in a hard seat having peanut shells thrown on us and
yelling at the ump when he fuck’s up… you just can’t get that kind of entertainment in this country.
Porn. Yes folks you heard me right PORN. America has it and we have little blue dots over nipples and as for seeing an erection in a movie… you have more chance of seeing a good movie made by Kevin Costner in the foreseeable future. Hmmm Kevin Costners Erect Penis might be a selling point to the fetishists out there. Paul won’t be closing his eyes for a while.
The whole idea behind moving here to Corby in the
Northampton area of the UK, was to try and get a better standard of living. To have the good life and who wouldn’t want that. The grand scheme of things started to go wrong before we left America on the 22nd of Feb 2002.
When we got to the airport to check in we assumed that 3 hours would be enough. We would have ample time to see the kids, get a drink, and then mosey on down to the duty free and do a little tax-free shopping before our flight.
Well yet again we were in dreamland because since 9-11 things at airports have understandably been a bit cautious but when it took them 2 hours and 35 minutes to check our four bags we realized that these people meant business. Linda’s assorted toy collection and
wardrobe was exposed to the world. And I don’t mean the stuffed toys and double knit sweaters for those cold British winds. I am talking the Whips Vibes and the best Fredericks of Hollywood had to offer displayed on a table for the assorted passengers assembled too see. The young lady charged with
searching our bags wasn’t quite sure what she stumbled onto when she produced a 6 ft long leather whip and a 6-inch Vibrator from a rolled up shirt. She tried her best to mask any embarrassment she may have had by giving the aforementioned items the quick once over. Paul claims that he wishes he had left the batteries in and watched her turn it on and to see the poor girl’s face as she panic’s to find the off switch. I do believe had this happened her head might have imploded in a second.
This you may think is bad enough but we got the body search as well. We had the wand waved over every inch of our body’s, well that was the plan… after ten minutes of furious wand waving over Paul he gave up as it would have taken at least an hour to cover Paul’s Butt.
Once on the plane it was almost plain sailing, so to speak. A little turbulence over the Atlantic was fun for Paul; Linda however was searching for the black box. She wanted to be as close to it as possible. We had discussed the possibility of joining the mile high
club but on inspection of the facilities for such an endeavor decided that Delta would certainly try to dissuade you from applying or even attempting an application form. All we can say is that when we fly next time it has to
be first class because the legroom in coach is non-existent at best. But, enough bitching about a shag free flight and on with the story.
Once in the UK things were fine for a few days until we decided that Jobs may be a good idea seeing as borrowed money has to be paid back sometime (Paul says try telling that to the phone company).
Part of the big adventure was for us both to get good steady jobs in offices or something with little or no manual labor involved. Well as we type this we both have temporary jobs working in a distribution plant for a large electrical component company packing boxes
for 8 hours a day for just over the British Minimum wage. It’s not extremely hard work but it’s a big kick in the balls from what we were expecting to be doing at this stage. But as they say life goes on and you make the best of what you have… Just call us the cliché couple from now on.
All in all things could be a damn sight worse than they are. We have a roof over our heads and we have food in the fridge and we have a little spare cash in our pockets at the moment so we aren’t dieing yet...
Until next time keep your cuffs on the bedpost and your eye on the door and we hope you enjoy our articles so please feel free to drop us a line if you want to know anything.
The only things Paul won’t answer is “What is his fascination with Kevin Costner is really all about?” and “How big is your Butt really?”
